Choosing a Goddamn Seat at the Theater

I hate doing this. I don't think there's a such thing as a "perfect seat" unless I'm in "theater three." Theater three is where my sister and I first watched Scott Pilgrim. We both saw that movie seven times (wtf) and sat in the same spot every time. Scott Pilgrim4lyfe I guess.

All of our theaters are just a big bunch of seats with no aisle separating them except for on the sides. The only theater we have with a center aisle is the 3D theater.

One thing I noticed about the 3D theater is the "bromance seating." This is where one friend (usually a 25-30 year-old male) will sit on one side of the aisle and the other friend (again, 25-30 years old) will sit directly across from him on the other side. Whenever something cool or funny happens they will look at eachother, either giving "the nod" or "the smug laugh" to the other person.

Speaking of movie theater seating, isn't there a set of unwritten rules lying around somewhere that I can show people when they sit DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME?!  I'm a fan of waiting until movies die down a little before I go to them so my guest and I have the theater to ourselves. But usually there is one or two other groups of people in there with us. On more than one occasion one of the groups of people will sit either one or two rows directly in front of us. Why? Why would you do that? That's the equivalent of pissing in a urinal right next to someone else (I'm so bad at giving examples).

Do you usually sit in the same spot everytime you go to the theater? Or do you just sit wherever? Are you one of those people who stand around forever trying to find "the perfect seat?" Cause if you're one of those people then I don't like you.

Other news -
Saw Legend of the Guardians last night and I really liked it. I was waiting until it died down of all the little kids to see it. My sister and I had the theater to ourselves except one of my friends showed up with her mom. This pisses me off cause I invited her to come with us but instead of saying yes or no she just shows up with her mom! Wtf.

My month-long (lol) search for a second job has finally ended. I finally got a call back from one of them asking for an interview. This was two days ago that they called for an interview. So yesterday I had the interview and today around 4 PM they called saying I got the job. It is at a grocery store. But they also have a dining area where they sell Chinese food and stuff. So I'll be the cashier at the dining area.

Your Favorite Movies

Since this is a movie blog, I think it would be appropriate to ask the few readers I have what their favorite movies are.

Do you like action movies? Comedy? Horror? Crappy movies (Vampires Suck)?

My biggest (and only) lie during my job interview was saying that I love watching movies. Personally, I am not really a big fan of them. I never have the patience to sit through and watch them. When I saw Easy A last week I left the theater for a half hour to talk to my friend who was working that night. Dang I missed the "sex scene!"

I always get the "you do not like watching movies?! Then why even work at the theater?!" My opinion is that I do not have to love watching movies to work at a movie theater. Do grocery store cashiers love groceries? Or do all those people who work in the septic pumping business love shit? That was a bad example...

There are a few exceptions for movies I can watch over and over and not get sick of them. I have very weird tastes.

• District 9
• Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
• Labyrinth
• Goldeneye 007
• Howl's Moving Castle
• Kung Pow (I get a lot of crap for liking this)
• The Host

I'm a really big fan of watching TV though. I could sit around and watch DVD box sets of The Venture Brothers for four hours (well over the equivalent of two moves wtf). I will never understand that.

Other news...
Holy Shitbitch from Heck is back working at the theater and she's been extremely nice ever since. I don't know what happened. I'm not gonna get too comfortable with her new-found kindness, though.
I found sixty cents and a little keychain that has bubbles and a bubble wand in it while cleaning out Wall Street.

My Opinions on 3D Movies

I shouldn't have to be the one you're hearing this from, but everything nowadays is in 3D. If you can't make it good, make it 3D I guess.

I have only seen four 3D movies in my entire life:

• Piranha
• Toy Story 3
• Resident Evil Afterlife
• Cats and Dogs 2

What I don't get is what is the appeal of 3D movies? Does it make the picture clearer or better? Does it make it look like the movie is "coming at you?" I can't stand 3D and most of our customers complain upon exiting the theater that "NOTHING IN THAT MOVIE WAS 3D!!!"

I originally thought the reason I never saw anything in 3D was because I'm blind in my left eye. But after asking my coworkers if they can really notice a difference or anything between 3D and 2D they say no.

Another thing to add to my hatred of 3D? The 3D glasses. They are the most uncomfortable things I have ever worn. Usually if the movie starts getting boring I'll take the glasses off and watch the blurry screen for about ten minutes until the throbbing pain in my ears goes away.

The glasses used at our theater have to be collected and washed after each showing of the movie (we reuse our glasses because they're around $70 a piece). Many people complain about this or make up excuses so they can keep them...

• "I paid for the glasses so I should get to keep them!" No, you paid for the movie, not the glasses.
• "I lost them!" If they "lose them" we aren't allowed to let them leave until the glasses are found.
• "Derp, how much for the glasses?" 
• "WELL X THEATER LETS YOU KEEP YOUR GLASSES!"

Why would you want to keep 3D glasses anyway? As a souvenir?
Do you know who we have to blame for this? James Cameron of course. It seems (at least I've noticed) that ever since Avatar, all movies have to be in 3D to get some extra brownie points on their already shitty reviews. Not trying to say Avatar got a shitty review or anything.

What is your opinion on 3D movies? Or 3D in general?

Other news -
I didn't win one of the three Resident Evil shirts my boss was having a drawing for. ;-;
I tried Sour Patch Kids for the first time ever today and they were Godly to say the least.

The Freshmaker

 Are you the type of person who sneaks food into the movie theater? I admit that I still do even though I am able to get free pop and popcorn (mainly I just sneak in candy).

People usually aren't too secretive when they sneak food in. But mostly I catch them too late so I just let them keep it. Tonight while cleaning out Easy A I found the goldmine of food snuck in by customers. My best find? Chinese food. Seriously, who brings in entire meals like that? I also found the fork they used four rows away from the actual food.

My boss offered me breadsticks (lol) to bring in last Tuesday but I declined because they were cold.

What food do I come across most while cleaning out theaters?

If the title of the blog or the picture didn't give it away the answer is Mentos. Seriously. I have no idea why, but everytime I work I find at least two Mentos wrappers. What do Mentos taste like anyway? Are they mints?  Just looked them up on Wikipedia and they come in a lot of flavors I guess.

Not sure if it's one regular customer who just sneaks Mentos in a lot or if our customers really like Mentos.

In other news...

• I got a poster for Wall Street. Pretty awesome I suppose. Will look nice hung up next to my Marmaduke poster (just kidding, just kidding).

• I changed my display picture to a cat. I forgot I had this picture saved in some dark corner of my computer. It looks much better than my old one I think.

Are you 55+ years old? Want to impress you significant other? Pt. 2

The last time I posted on this topic, I was covering the movie The American. Can you guess what I’m posting about this time? It’s…

You guessed wrong! It’s The Town.
Old people have been flocking in waves to see this. I don’t see this as an “old people” movie, like The American and Eat, Pray, Love were.
I don’t really have any funny stories to go along with this movie, maybe only a couple.

Old guy with his wife: “Two kids to The Town!”
Cashier ringing them up: “Well then I’m gonna have to see your ID!”

I can barely hold in my laughter!

Twenty-something year-old girl: “One ticket to The Home.”
I was ringing up her tickets at that time and had no idea what she was talking about. So I quickly scanned all the movies we currently had through my mind and realized.
Me: “T-the Town you mean?”
Girl: “OMG UR RITE OMG I’M SO EMBARRASSED HOW DID I GET “THE HOME” OUT OF “THE TOWN?!”
Me: *fakest laugh ever*

Obviously the above stories aren’t the best I’ve come across. I guess all the weirdos are staying inside for the winter.

What Would Jesus Do?

Situation. You’re cleaning out the theater after the latest and greatest showing of Devil when all of a sudden you run into it. A FULL (opened) BAG OF CANDY. What do you do? Do you A) Throw it away. B) Eat it. C) Hide it and take it home and eat it while crying (“HOW DID IT GET THIS BAD?!”)
I have asked myself this question many times after encountering this situation (many times). I also ask myself “why didn’t this person finish their candy? Not up to their tastes? Not hungry? Spit in it hoping that the usher would eat it?”
The only time I’ve actually eaten candy I’ve found in a theater was when I found an unopened, 1 ounce box of Mike and Ikes. Before you ask - yes - they were good.
My biggest regret since I’ve started my job? Not eating those Jolly Rancher Sours I found back in August.

I want to try these so bad, but I don’t want to have to pay the $3.25 that the movie theater charges for them. I also haven’t been able to find them anywhere else. Such is life!

How to Piss off Your Usher

Theaters obviously do not stress the policy of “clean up after yourself” enough, seeing as you only see an advertisement before the movie about six times telling your to pick up your garbage. And the tens of trashcans scattered throughout the lobby obviously don’t make an impression on customers either.
The following are helpful tips on how you can really “make your mark” on your local “movie viewing establishment:”

• On your way out (or in) to the theater, spill some popcorn and really scatter it around. Make sure you step and slide around on it a bit to grind it into the carpet, making it almost impossible to clean up before the next show starts.
• Too much condensation on your cup? Go ahead and let it slip out of your hand and let the pop spill all over the theater. Old ladies LOVE doing this for some reason. If you do this, the usher will have to get out a mop and mop every row that the pop trickled down to! Make sure you drop some candy in your puddle so the usher has to pick it out by hand!
• Can’t resist the urge or just feel like being “frisky” and “adventurous?” Go ahead and grab some (free!) napkins from the lobby and jack off into them! Ushers are usually in such a hurry to clean theaters that they’ll just grab the napkins with their bare hands! Nothing wrong with that!
• Bringing your kids with to a movie that’s not age appropriate? Grab some booster seats so they can see all the gritty scenes! Have your kid pee his pants and melt some chocolate onto the seat, too. On your way out don’t forget to lodge the booster seat into some impossible-to-get-out part of the chairs! Seriously, how do you manage to stuff the booster seats into the chairs so far?!
•  Wondering who was “Cameraman A” or “Extra who was hit by a bus in the first five minutes” in your favorite movie? Feel free to watch all of the credits to find out!

Hopefully these tips can make your next visit to the movies a whole new experience!

Good Summer Movies

Since summer is (sort of) over I’m gonna post some movies that I saw and that I thought were worth watching! I put them in order of my favorite to least favorite, though since this is a list of movies I thought were worth watching then I liked all of them.

• Scott Pilgrim vs. the World - saw it seven times so it must be good!

• Inception - Really, really liked it!

• Machete - Just saw it today. Funny with lots of action.

• Dinner for Schmucks - One big wtf-fest. I kept asking my sister over and over “why did they do that? That was so stupid!”

• Despicable Me -I wish I saw this a second time because I had the opportunity to.

• The A-Team - The first movie I saw for free, haha. 

• Toy Story 3 - Cried behind my 3-D glasses. ;_;

• Going the Distance - Good because Charlie Day is in it.

• Salt - I remember this movie was good, but I forgot what happened in it!

• Piranha 3D - Lots of gore and nudity, I don’t know what to think about that.

• Cats and Dogs 2: The Revenge of Kitty Galore - Very cute movie about animals.

That’s it, now wait until they get released to watch them.

Do you see a question mark in the title of that movie?

No, there is none. Quit buying a ticket in the form of a question.
This happens all the time. Usually you know what movie you’re gonna go to before you leave your house, right? You don’t just walk up to the box office area and decide then, right? RIGHT?
Not where I work. Where I work, whenever I ask someone if I can help them it’s always the same thing, “I’m still deciding.”
After waiting at least 5 minutes for them to decide they finally come up to the counter. I saw Machete today so I’ll use it as an example…

“One ticket please.”
“To what movie?”
“Machete?”

Also, above the ticket-purchasing area there is a sign with all the movies that are currently out. Whenever they ask the question they stare up at it.
One of my favorite things was when Eat, Pray, Love first came out. No one could figure out the title of the movie so they just winged it…

“Eat, Pray, Run”
“Pray, Run, and Eat”
“Eat, Pray, Live”
“That Julia Roberts Movie”

Guess what? I’ve been working usher again lately!~

Are you 55+ years old? Want to impress you significant other?

How about a movie date then? The latest and greatest old people movie release since Eat, Pray, Love just hit theaters last Friday and the senior citizens are flocking to the theater to see it. What movie is it you ask?
The American.

I honestly had never heard of this movie up until we got it. I still have no idea what it’s about. Something about Italy?
The best thing about old people coming to the theater is that they don’t know how to get the best deal. An old couple will get two small popcorns for $4 (totaling $8 of course) when they could just get a large for $5.25. Their reasoning for not getting a large? “Oh, no thank you! That’s way too much popcorn for us…we’d never finish it!” I’m 90% sure that the size of two smalls nearly equals a large.
They also love joking around. They’re so funny!

“Would you like butter on your popcorn?”
“DOHOHOHO! I DON’T WANT A HEART ATTACK OR NUTHIN’ BUT SURE SOME BUTTER WOULD BE NICE!”

See what I mean? Let’s see another example!

“One ticket to The American. Do you need to see my ID?” (cue old couple laughing hysterically).

Jokes aside, today an old couple walked out of the movie! What?! I thought this was the ultimate date movie for seniors? Guess not!

“I’m not a prude, but that movie had way too much sex in it! That’s all it was!”

Well, just look at the statistics! So far the American has made almost $20 million dollars. That’s a lot of movie tickets! Out of all those people two walked out?!? Comparing those two totals gives you an obvious winner: The American - 1 Old Couple - 0.
Go see it with your grandparents. Now.

“I’ll take sour gummy bears.”

—	Lady who can’t tell the difference between bears and worms.

“Andrew Joy Pieces?! You know those have coconut in them, right?” — Old guy making sure his wife was sure about getting Almond Joy Pieces.

CUTTIN' BACK

School is starting up again soon so my hours are being cut. This is because we’re only open nights during the school week.
Also, my dream of working usher all the time is currently being crushed by the new girl at work. She started last month and I swear she’s only been to work three times. I guess she’s sick or something. Her job is to work concession but I have to keep filling in for her because she’s always gone.
This sucks because:

• I can’t smell the theaters (love doing that for some reason).
• I can’t find change while cleaning out the theaters.
• I have a thin film of butter/grease covering me while working concession, along with hands that are constantly covered in salt.
• Working usher is awesome.

The Problem With Starbursts

Starbursts are a pretty good candy if you’re into that sort of thing. But with every good thing there comes a bad thing…I think. At least when it comes to Starbursts.
Starbursts are one of the many uniquely overpriced candies we offer at the theater. They are sold in bags containing individual Starbursts inside. They don’t sell too often, but they sell a hell of a lot better than York Pieces. I’ve always wondered to myself why would they individually wrap Starbursts and sell them at a theater? Wouldn’t that create a lot of garbage?

The answer to this question is yes, it does create a LOT of garbage.

Girl on my Facebook friends list who came in to see Scott Pilgrim today. Sure hope she’s not talking about the movie!

Nanny McPhee is a MILF

Read the title. Nanny McPhee is a MILF.
I don’t know about you, but I have little to no patience when it comes to…everything. I don’t have the patience to sit and watch a movie (except Scott Pilgrim or Kung Pow,) and I sure as hell don’t have the patience to wait around to clean out a theater when it was supposed to get out five minutes ago but the movie still continues to play. Because of this, I like to sneak into the theater and watch the last five minutes or so of the movie while I’m waiting for it to get out.
Today I watched Nanny McPhee Returns, the sequel to Nanny McPhee I guess. The trailers looked cute cause there were pigs in it and I love pigs so whatever.
One thing that sets movie-goers off of seeing Nanny McPhee (besides the thick accents) is the piss-ugly main character. She has weird snaggleteeth and a bigass mole planted right on her face. Keep reading, I have the answer to your problems. It’s called the Going in During the Last Five Minutes of the Movie to see Nanny McPhee Turn Into a Total MILF Plan.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Expendables

Surprisingly good. Smelled like if you mixed both guy perfume and lady perfume together and lightly coated the seats with it.

Other Guys

Tootsie Rolls. You can’t make this stuff up.

Scott Pilgrim

Again, NO ONE GOES TO THIS MOVIE.

Nanny McPhee

Kinda gross. Just “meh.”

Piranha 3D

Realized how much I love the smell of the 3D theater. I can’t explain it but it always smells that way.

Eat Pray Love

Baby powder again.

Vampires Suck

Smelled a little gross.

Money Found in Theaters - $0.00
Total Money Found in Theaters - $1.05
***BONUS TIME***
Bristles on my Favorite Broom

Smelled just like fair food. Greasy and all that.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Other Guys

Cat litter

Nanny McPhee

Smelled like little kids

Expendables

EXTREME B.O.

Scott Pilgrim

NOTHING BECAUSE NO ONE SEES THIS MOVIEEEE

Eat Pray Love

Baby Powder cause….old ladies.

Piranha 3D

Nothing really….but I had this old guy come up to me when the movie was over and tell me how dangerous piranhas are.

Vampires Suck

Sunflower seeds cause some douchebag snuck some in and spit them all over the floor.

Money Found in Theatres - $1.05
Total Money Found in Theatres - $1.05