Thursday, September 23, 2010

How to Piss off Your Usher

Theaters obviously do not stress the policy of “clean up after yourself” enough, seeing as you only see an advertisement before the movie about six times telling your to pick up your garbage. And the tens of trashcans scattered throughout the lobby obviously don’t make an impression on customers either.
The following are helpful tips on how you can really “make your mark” on your local “movie viewing establishment:”
  • On your way out (or in) to the theater, spill some popcorn and really scatter it around. Make sure you step and slide around on it a bit to grind it into the carpet, making it almost impossible to clean up before the next show starts.
  • Too much condensation on your cup? Go ahead and let it slip out of your hand and let the pop spill all over the theater. Old ladies LOVE doing this for some reason. If you do this, the usher will have to get out a mop and mop every row that the pop trickled down to! Make sure you drop some candy in your puddle so the usher has to pick it out by hand!
  • Can’t resist the urge or just feel like being “frisky” and “adventurous?” Go ahead and grab some (free!) napkins from the lobby and jack off into them! Ushers are usually in such a hurry to clean theaters that they’ll just grab the napkins with their bare hands! Nothing wrong with that!
  • Bringing your kids with to a movie that’s not age appropriate? Grab some booster seats so they can see all the gritty scenes! Have your kid pee his pants and melt some chocolate onto the seat, too. On your way out don’t forget to lodge the booster seat into some impossible-to-get-out part of the chairs! Seriously, how do you manage to stuff the booster seats into the chairs so far?!
  •  Wondering who was “Cameraman A” or “Extra who was hit by a bus in the first five minutes” in your favorite movie? Feel free to watch all of the credits to find out!
Hopefully these tips can make your next visit to the movies a whole new experience!

No comments:

Post a Comment